Gardeners Cricket Club
Gardeners Cricket Club

GCC v Palm Tree Match Report

INT. BBC Dulwich studio

STUDIO PRESENTER (COLD OPEN)

 

-and a big thank you to Arabella Thunderbottom of Burbage Road for these lovely photos from her garden, showing a pair of great tits and a magnificent cock pheasant.

Switch to camera 3

STUDIO PRESENTER (CONT.)

 

There was human activity bursting into summer life in Dulwich, too! Our very own Gardeners CC made it two in two for the season with a fine victory over old rivals Palm Tree, and leading the charge on the government’s much heralded “Hit Out or Get Out to Help Out” campaign to get social life moving again. BBC Dulwich’s own politico-sports correspondent Ruprecht Vanderfrigaround went to Whitehall to get the lowdown on lockdown...

Cut away to:
EXT. 10 Downing Street – day – establishing shot
INT. 10 Downing Street – BoJo’s office
Fine oak panelling, luxurious Edwardian furniture, rows of old books along the shelves, and magnificent portraits of Disraeli, Churchill, Thatcher and Millington (Mary) on the walls.  In the corner, Boris is getting really worked up playing a commemorative edition Stranglers Nice ’N’ Sleazy pinball machine.  Our interviewer is shown in by

DOMINIC CUMMINGS

Here he is.

ALEXANDER BORIS DE PFEFFEL JOHNSON

Ruprecht, old boy!  Do come in!  You’re friends with Squiffy, right?  Splendid; top man.  Splendid that you could be here.  And you know, I’m absolutely thrilled that the Gardeners are playing such good cricket.  Brings a bit of joie de vivre to the village green, don’t you think? You know, how is Squiffman these days?

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

I haven’t seen him for almost twenty years.

BO-JO

Ha!  Amazing.  Who’d’ve thought it?  Anyway, why aren’t more of us playing cricket?

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

Well, a lot of people are still unclear on what the official contact rules are.  Can you explain the government’s position?

BO-JO

Oh it’s really quite simple, old boy.  You should be taking every chance to play cricket, even if it’s not quite cricket, unless it’s certainly not cricket, in which case for the love of all the gods don’t play it.  Every ten overs there should be a break for tea or something stronger if you prefer – I certainly prefer, haha! – and then the twentieth over of each innings is the leg over.  In between innings is the usual gin & tonic with cucumber sandwiches on white bread, crusts cut off.  During the second innings you can break for drinks more frequently if you like and, if we’re all starting to feel a little tiddly, then that’s just tickety-boo; use your semi-drunken sense of invulnerability to fight the virus.

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

That seems to be the syntactically correct.  Professor Whitty, as the Chief Medical Officer is there anything you need to add to that?

CHRIS WHITTY

Well, it’s important for people to remember that this virus affects us all, and we are trying to strike that fine balance between clarity and confusion.

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

Quite.  Um, did anybody here actually watch the game?

BO-JO

Well, I haven’t read the report yet, but the important thing is that the Gardeners were damn bloody good!

DOMINIC RAAB

I’ll handle this.  Palm Tree won the toss, chose to bat.  Superficially it might have seemed like an odd decision on a slightly damp track, but it was clear they were expecting good weather and going for a containment strategy.

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

What, containing themselves?

DOMINIC RAAB

Look, this is a pandemic attack.  There are no easy options here.  Tasty and the new kid Bevmeister McNorrisface up front, followed up by P-Haddy and that wild-haired guitar freak Fryer in the secondwave.  Forget the vaccine, that’s four doses of Brannigan’s Law – hard and fast – before you’ve even had drinks.  And don’t forget the third wave of unplayable swing from Struthers and the Gnome, coming from both hands.  This Gardeners pandemic is relentless.  And then there’s still a fourth wave to come, the league’s premier spin twins in Kostoris and Leahy, also two-handed, for fuck sakes.

PRITI PATEL

I really loved the sexy pace up front, followed by that glamorous slow-hand spin to “mop up the tail”, as it were.

Ruprecht vanderfrigaround

I think we’re all loving that…

GAVIN WILLIAMSON

Yes, and that Struthers fellow bowled a tremendous spell.  It’s like Mike Bassett said, if you’re old enough you’re good enough.

DOMINIC CUMMINGS

What?

GAVIN WILLIAMSON

Sorry.

DOMINIC CUMMINGS

That was completely shit.  You’re an embarrassment.  Fuck off.

GAVIN WILLIAMSON

Um, yes, okay. Yes.

 
Fucks off

RISHI SUNAK

Erm, there was some excellent economy on display by Greg.

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

So diplomatic.  Right, wickets at regular intervals – 50 for 3 became 100 for 6, became 127 all out in 35 – and potentially a tricky chase for the Gardeners.  128 off 40 doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a quirky little pitch at the Alleyn Club, with some variable bounce, and recent games against Palm Tree have not been high-scoring affairs.

BO-JO

High-scoring affairs?  You called!

DOMINIC CUMMINGS whispering grimly to his aide

Stay alert...

BO-JO

Where were we, old boy?  The Gardeners had a good dig, didn’t they just?  Palm Tree brought a couple of good bowlers themselves, eh?

PRITI PATEL

Mmm, a very quick, straight opener and three clever medium pacers, all swingers, getting good action on and off the deck.

BO-JO

Ooh er!

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

The innings started at a healthy rate, runs wise, but wickets were dropping regularly as well.  Dave, Bevan and Sam were all caught by the slightly two-paced pitch, while Steve was speared plumb in front by a deadly yorker.

PRITI PATEL

Mmm, that Cunny really does hit a long ball.  Such technique.

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

It’s Cunners.

PRITI PATEL

Ooh, he does that, too, does he?

RISHI SUNAK

Um, pity he threw it away at the critical moment.

MICHAEL GOVE

I can relate.

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

Yes, edging behind and 60 for 5 at drinks made it all look quite tight at the midpoint of the innings.  Classic storytelling structure.

BO-JO

But dammit, this Gardeners team bats long.

PRITI PATEL

Yes, love the length.

BO-JO

Ooh cripes, I knew you’d be good in my cabinet!

Boris’ mobile starts ringing; it’s Umbrella by Rihanna.

DOMINIC CUMMINGS

Oh, not her.

BO-JO into his phone

Ahoy-hoy!  Jennifer Arc-who-ey?

Cummings snatches Boris’ mobile and tosses it to his aide, Eton Head Boy 2013, probably.

CUMMINGS AIDE

Ollo?  Chun’s Chinese Take-Outs.  You wanted chop suey?  Solly, no have.

Tosses phone back to Cummings

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

Yes, great little partnership after drinks by Tasty and James K to make the game safe, with skipper Tom on hand to knock off the winning runs.  And Paddy and Greg still in the hut, just in cases.

DOMINIC RAAB

Top stuff.  And that’s exactly how we’re going to do Brexit.

RUPRECHT VANDERFRIGAROUND

I don’t get it.  How?

DOMINIC RAAB

By always having one more item to negotiate!  This great empire will endure.

Boris is pouring drinks at the office stereo

BO-JO

Well said, my man!  And now, brave Gardeners, noble Gardeners-

Strains of KC & the Sunshine Band start drifting in 
-in honour of your fine victory, I’m gonna… I’m gonna… yeah, I’m watering the pitch, baby… watering the pitch… I’m going back to the 70s, I’m doing the sprinkler…
The cabinet starts disco line dancing and we cut away to:

INT. BBC Dulwich studio

STUDIO PRESENTER

That was Ruprecht Vanderfrigaround and the Boris Johnson Experience.  Join us next week when we go antiquing with Ann Widdecombe.

OC

   Want to get        involved?

We play most of our games in Dulwich and net during the winter at The Oval.  Send us an email at gardenerscc@ymail.com

 

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  2020 Members

 

 

Nick Cunningham

Jamie Elliot (life)

Patrick Hatcher

Ludo Hunter-Tilney

James Kostoris

Tom Leahy

Rob Navratil (life)

Hugo Nisbet (life)

Steven Seaton

Greg Struthers

David Woodhouse (life)

Caveat lector

All our match reports and player profiles are written by third parties,

and may involve some poetic licence. GCC cannot be held liable for any misrepresentation in these articles.

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