Gardeners Cricket Club
Gardeners Cricket Club

GCC v Gaieties - Match Report - 20th May 2018

by Olly Cunningham

 … and the little baby slept soundly, all night.

[Switch to camera 3.]

Now, BBC Dulwich is pleased to announce a new segment: politico-sports. In our first instalment we interview Tony Trot, Executive Director of Strategy and Communications for the People’s Revolutionary Alliance and Allied Trades (PRAaAT). Our correspondent Ruprecht Vanderfrigaround met Mr Trot yesterday at the Reform Club after the Party’s weekly politburo.


[Cut away to…]

EXT. Reform Club – establishing shot

INT. Reform Club – dark environ – high backed leather chairs – Burmese teak coffee table – copy Little Red Book in the foreground

Ruprecht Vanderfrigaround: Tony Trot, thank you for making the time.

Tony Trot: {sniff} Hey, plezh, Rupree.

RV: Ruprecht.

TT: Yeah, sure…

RV: Mr Trot, it was an excellent win for the Gaieties on Sunday, finally defeating the Gardeners at the 178th time of asking.

TT: Yeah! Bastard Tory fortress Gallery Fields stormed. Just like the Bastille. Teach those privileged bastard Tories a damn lesson.

RV: Uh, is the Gardeners a Tory team?

TT: Must be. They’re not P=MV. I’d know.

RV: Of course. So P=MV is actively working in the social sport teams institutions of state now? That’s clever and/or confusing.

TT: {leaning in conspiratorially} Let me tell you something, Rupree. {snaps fingers to summon waiter} The London social cricket league is the new Twitter – fuck – it’s the new Instagram, a superb backchannel of influence and social leverage. {waiter appears} Cristal.

Waiter: Very good, sir.

RV: So Facebook is over, then?

TT: Oh, that’s blown. Sure, Jez will keep up his profile page but we can’t act there anymore. Not seriously, anyway. Oxbridge Analytica fucked it for all of us. Couldn’t keep their employees under control. Cunts. {the waiter returns with a silver tray}

Waiter: Champagne, sir.

TT: Hey, you must be socialist, right? You’re one of us, yeah?

RV: Absolutely.

TT: Cool.


RV: So back to the cricket… Gallery Fields was in great nick, as always. And with a functioning electronic scoreboard.

TT: Fucking private schools. Oh sure, we’ll “use” the “facilities”.

RV: And the Gardeners had first dig.

TT: Yeah. We got that cunt “Cunners” – fucking twat private school nickname – cheap.

RV: Mmm. Woodhouse and Murtaza started to steady things in response. And then Elliott played a brilliant innings.

TT: He’s a northerner! What’s he doing playing for them? {swallows a glass of champagne indignantly}

RV: 68 off 76, with a six and ten elegant fours. I guess the story of the Gardeners innings was a failure to launch; top partnership of just 39 between Jamie and Tasty.

TT: And relentless pressure from the new P=MV. I mean the Gaieties. Put that down. Relentless.

RV: {writing on his notepad} Re-lent-less. Got it. Right, so, 174 for 9 off the full 40. Some nice swinging at the back end from Phil and the Chancellor-

TT: {bug eyed} What?

RV: I mean Chumpy. Phil and Chumpy. And then another delicious tea spread from Dan de Jesus and the good people at Al Desco.

TT: I don’t know. “De Jesus”? What is that – Jewish? Al Desco is fine. Italian. Wonderful heritage of left-wing social control. {puts fingers together; nods}

RV: Quite. What were your thoughts of the target? 4.35 to the over – not massive, but definitely something to bowl at?

TT: {still nodding} Fascist dictatorship…

RV: Huh?

TT: What? Oh, yes, well there was never any doubt in our minds. Inspired leadership in the field by Schneidy. Now it was just up to our batsmen to whip the vote and bring it all home.

RV: The Gardeners kept it tight early on, Tasty and Sam not giving anything away with the new ball. Then the first wicket fell – Dave took an excellent running, tumbling catch at wide mid-on, a catch that would win the Al Desco prize for the day. Any thoughts on that?

TT: A meaningless sacrifice, our cannon-fodder frontline opener, to bring big gun Shomit to the crease.

RV: Cold blooded. Rob Navratil sent down his full complement, 8 overs, in one go. Back to his stingy ways with 1 for 25. Great spell.

TT: Northern AND Czech!! He’s an even worse traitor than Elliott.

RV: Talking about turncoats… at drinks Shomit was still in there, as he always is, yet it was still anyone’s game. The asking rate had risen to 5.5 and neither of the set batsmen looked really fluent.

TT: Just biding our time. Like with the Brexit referendum – we knew if we kept quiet and didn’t declare our actual position, those Tory fat cats would win us the Leave vote anyway.

RV: Right on!

RV: And then after drinks Tasty and Saj produced a one-two sucker punch, both set batsmen castled with excellent moving deliveries.

TT: See, I’m not happy with this “Tasty”. He looks left-wing, but then he comes round the wicket, so it’s actually a right-wing position.

RV: I never thought of it that way…

TT: And as for this Saj. That star on his cap – it’s clearly the sign of a proud Party worker. He should be playing for us.

RV: That’s the Pakistan cricket cap he wears.

TT: Don’t fucking argue with me. I will END YOU.

RV: Sorry, I’ll remember my place. Anyway, then skipper Tom entered the fray – he’s a northerner too, right? – and took a high pressure four-fer. And suddenly it was all getting very tight.

TT: And the final result?

RV: The Gaieties won, as we know. With some unconventional but brutally effective organisation of the, er, “strike”.


[and we cut away to…]

INT. BBC Dulwich studio

That was Ruprecht Vanderfrigaround talking to Tony Trot. Join us next week for our conversation with Boris “Bo-Jo” Johnson…

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Oliver Cunningham (life)

Jamie Elliott (life)

Ludo Hunter-Tilney

John Lloyd (life)

Hugo Nisbet (life)

Steven Seaton

David Woodhouse (life)

Caveat lector

All our match reports and player profiles are written by third parties,

and may involve some poetic licence. GCC cannot be held liable for any misrepresentation in these articles.

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